The Bigger Picture

As I write this I am enjoying a quiet house (Loren put himself to bed with the kids) and a cup of herbal tea.  There have been very few moments of stolen solitude this month.  February can be a tough month for me, smack in the middle of winter and prone to the post-holiday blues etc.  I vowed to make it different this year, and different it was.  We came down with round two of the stomach flu.  I didn't even know you could get it twice in a winter. You can.  That knocked me out.  For two weeks.  I was so tired I could barely get through the days.  I think it terrified me--a glimpse of what it would feel like to not be able to care for my family and self--that threw me into an emotional tail spin and just as I was getting back on my feet the kids came down with a hacking cough, irksome enough to keep us all awake at night. I did my best to snuggle them and humidify them and use homeopathic remedies galore.  I even slathered them in garlic-infused coconut butter before bed (this actually kind of worked, and made them smell like scampi).  It seems like--knock on REDWOOD--that everyone is on the mend. Except that poor Eli is now undergoing a major sleep regression.

 He has decided he is too big for naps, and after a crappy 30 minute morning nap he refuses to sleep for the rest of the day. I might be more willing to roll with it if he weren't so fiercely grumpy.  Like sister looks at him wrong and he flings himself onto the floor in a writhing tantrum of agony grumpy.  Ugh.  It's not pretty.  And nap time involves an hour of screaming, thrashing and pleading--and that's just my role.  All this attention aimed at the youngest has left the eldest out of sorts, and she has decided to embark on a journey of a thousand whines.  I'm not going to lie.  I have locked myself in the bathroom more than once this week, and turned the fan on just to have the impression of quiet.

Weeks like this are hard.  They make it hard to see the beauty in the journey. It becomes easy to loose sight of the forest for the trees, as the saying goes.  

But these little people who have pushed me beyond my physical and mental limits this month also anchor me with the daily reminder to celebrate small triumphs.  A peaceful bedtime, a dinner cooked that everyone ate and enjoyed (so rare these days).  The delight of a pocket full of Valentines brought home from preschool.  Polka-dot socks and a twirling dress.  A hot cup of joe in the morning.  Pine cones.  It doesn't matter how many pine cones there are in the world, Eli picks each one up and treats it like its the finest treasure in the kingdom. 

And isn't that how we should approach our days?  Each one a precious gift--a rare treasure to be clutched tightly even though it will inevitably crumble a little in our awkward, well-meaning fingers.  Many times this week I have had to scrape myself up out of a self-pitying heap and remind myself of this. Take a breath, start over.

I know that someday in the not-so-distant future I will get to have an uninterrupted conversation with another grown-up.  Go on a date with my husband.  Make some friends here in Palmer.  Finish some of the house/woodworking/sewing projects that need to be done.  But for now we just need to find our rhythm again. 

and we will.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

Words by Robert Frost

Photos by Tara

Spectacular fall colors and children by God.

crocheted qiviut hood

 Woke up to snowflakes falling this morning... a perfect opportunity for Sadie to try out the crocheted qiviut hat-hoodie I made for her back in August, when it was way too warm to be modeled.

 This is made from a ravelry pattern, which can be found here.  Overall, it was a very simple crochet project...it took less than a week of here and there working.  I did alter the pattern as I saw some people mentioned the hood in the original pattern was kind of shallow and didn't come forward far enough on their kids' heads.  I added 8 or 10 stitches evenly spaced across the bottom of the hood to accommodate for ponytails and my kids' giant noggins (because I figure when Sadie is done with it Eli can wear it). This alteration made the hood plenty big (as you can see above) Not quite as excessive as, say, the hood of Emperor Palpatine from Starwars, but almost.  Although, all mama biases aside... pretty sure the face peeking out from this hood wont give anyone bad dreams ;)

Nope, just sweetness there! However, it is pretty funny when your kid is old enough to try posing every time you get the camera out.

 

I tried to sneak a couple of candids though...Here is how the hood should be worn...under a nice winter jacket where the lovely yoke serves as a scarf too (but attached, so one less accessory to keep track of-yay!)

Happy fall time to you readers... may your necks and heads stay toasty warm!

killing frost

 We awoke this morning to a magical, sugar-dusted world. In the quiet you could hear the tinkling of frozen leaves falling in the woods.

 "Why is the world all white?" asks Sadie carefully plucking a tiny plant "look at this!"

 Even though the killing frost (and the termination dust in the mountains) are the very certain beginning of Alaska's long cold winter, I don't even feel  a hint of sadness this year.  What a very beautiful summer we enjoyed.  And even though its been a rainy fall, the puddle stomping and mushroom hunting has brought much joy to the three and under crowd.  And to me.

Yesterday, I remarked that I needed to harvest the rest of my kale, and Sadie nodded knowingly.  "I need to pick the rest of my nasturtiums" she said.  She has been filling up little ziplock bags full of them and stashing them in the freezer. I asked her what her plan was.  "Well, you know how we made jam so we could have berries to eat in the winter?  I'm saving some flowers so we can have boquets when it snows."  That is what my three-year-old says.  It almost made me cry, because she gets it... she really understands the concept of putting things up for the winter, and how wise to know that flowers are food for the soul.  We are so very, very fortunate that we have a life that allows us to teach our children these things, or maybe to have children to teach us to remember the important things in life. 

So as I was about to lift the begonia tubers out of my garden I took a few quick photos--so I could remember my flowers the way they looked on this very beautiful morning, frozen in time for a moment with the last of their summer splendor still intact. 

she says...

On Life's Mysteries:

"Mom...nobody knows when or when not they are going to die...it's a mystery.  And not even Huckle {cat from Richard Scary's Busy Town Mysteries} can solve it."

  "Mom, what does God looks like?"  me: "I don't think anyone knows exactly Sadie, what do you think God looks like?" "I think god is kind of bigger than a grownup, but more like a kid"


 On Growing up:

"Mom, what's a submarine?"  after I explain... "I think we should get one of those when I go to college...or maybe a cow?"

Me, "Sadie, what am I going to do when you get to be a grown up lady and you are too big to give me kisses and snuggles."  Sadie {with exasperation} "Mom. When I'm a grown up lady I will be BIGGER, so I can give you BIGGER kisses and snuggles." Duh.

On Family:

 "Oh mom look!" {squeals with delight} a WHOLE family of mushrooms living under this tree! There's a mom a dad and two kids...and {looking at one that's all tipped over} this must be that one guy who always falls down?!"  There's one in every family.

(Dad is trying to explain a character in a story...an owl who is young but also very wise like he's old) Sadie, "So he's kinda like a babka?"

three times around the sun

There are a lot of things I could say right now--about how exhausted, and braindead I am from the kids crazy sleeping (or lack there-of) that's been going on for days and days, or having my husband working long hours and extra days, and basically doing the single parenting thing, or how busy things are this summer, and how I can't seem to check even one thing off my to-do list without at least three new ones cropping up, but looking at these pictures of Sadie... gosh.

Amidst all this chaos somehow my baby turned three.

 

This girl melts my heart.  

She is so sweet, and independent, and curious

and messy, and bossy

and profound.

Sometimes the conversations I have with her just blow me away.

Sometimes they are hilarious, like when she says out of the blue,

"Mom, I think when I grow up I'm going to find a nice man who likes cats and have a wedding."

or asks me to turn off the radio in the car because "the guy sounds like he's crying."  

(It was John Denver, and she's right)

Then there's all the questions about death and the afterlife.  

"Mom... I'm going to brush my teeth, and eat healthy food, and get lots of sleep and then I wont need to die. I don't want to die."

 This one offers me much to ponder, 

and yet she is also so spontaneous and bubbling over with joy.

Even on the hardest, most tiring days when she is a demanding tyrant, "NO. my door needs to be open all the way so it touches the wall" or "I don't want these stirred up eggs, I want the cracked kind" she still has this great sense of humor.  

I guess, what I'm trying to say in way too many words is that every moment spent with Sadie is truly a gift.  I feel so incredibly rich to get to watch her finding her wings...  to glimpse who she is and how she looks at the world.  

I don't know what she wished for when she blew out those candles, but my wish is the simple one that every mother wishes in these moments--the gift of time, 

of many, many happy birthdays to spend with this sweet girl of mine.

{and that someday, in the very distant future, she finds that nice man who likes cats, and he is kind and smart enough to know what a treasure she is.}

short & sweet summer smock

I finally got my sewing machine out...since moving from Nome--hello old friend!  The first thing I did was to figure out how to sew a rolled hem on rayon crepe (hemming some pants for an amazing lady who is about to turn 90!) and then, to restore my sanity, I jumped right into this project:

the chicken whisperer

When we decided to get chickens Sadie was excited for weeks in advance.  I kind of wondered if this would be the kind of thing where the chicks would get here and it would be all cute and fluffy wonderfulness for a week and then... old news.

green day

Happy St. Patrick's Day!  It was a green day for us which started out with a delicious Paleo Eggs Florentine, and commenced with many long-overdue house projects, and a few cute kid cameos thrown in for good measure.  I hope your Irish eyes were smiling today.  I know ours were.

growing up, up, up

I think kids have comparable growing habits to plants, and no one will ever convince me otherwise.  The more sunshine, fresh produce and exercise they get the more they grow.  This explains why when we got home from Hawaii both my children seemed to have outgrown everything they owned.  It happens--the only thing I shed a tear for is the handmade-sweaters & gifts.  and the shoes---hard to be thrifty when your kid goes through 3 shoe sizes a year, and you can't really cheat by getting their shoes way to big because then they trip all over the place, not that I've...um... tried that or anything.
   I love my little hobbits.

This little guy is now crawling all over the place, teething like crazy, and needing a lot of "mama re-charging" in his not-crawling time.  I guess I am a docking station for my kids. And this girl...

So sweet, and sassy, and silly. 

Sometimes I look at these two and it's like a part of my most secret heart has grown a life of it's own, walking around outside me and becoming something more beautiful, more complex and vulnerable than I could have ever imagined.

And the things this girl says. 

oh, my.

When trying to open a sealed freezer ice pack with a wooden spoon: "Mom, we need a different tool for this job.  I know, let's get dad's chainsaw!" {eek!}

At bedtime when we snuggle she pets my hair and tells me that I'm her "most special mom in the whole world." 

When she gets a time out she says, "weeeeel, mom...I'm frustrarated about this."
The other day she told me she was lonely, and that I needed to grow a sister in my tummy so she can have someone to play with...

and when a sister comes out we can put Eli back in there. 

And the final verdict, after much deliberation on her part is that we should keep Eli--which is good, because there is no way he would fit back in my tummy now.

Just sayin.'
besides, I think he will make a pretty darned good friend.  He just needs a few months to learn to walk, and talk, and keep up with the girls, right? 

Sadie 2.5

I didn't take a ton of pictures over the holidays, mainly because I didn't want a camera stuck to my face the whole time. Sometimes it's nice to sit back and enjoy the moment without worrying about getting your lens adjusted just right.  And Christmas with a 2 1/2 year old is oh so magical and fun, even if it means singing Santa Clause is Coming to Town and Jingle Bells an infinite amount of times.  Thank you Sadie, for adding so much joy to our lives, and keeping us on our toes; you are such a delight.

snow days

After a very dry and windy early winter here in Palmer we finally got our wish for a white Christmas.  A really white one if all this snow sticks around. It does my heart good to see snow falling straight down for a change, and landing on trees even! We have been out playing with the grommits.  Sadie got her first sled today, and after a couple runs down the pasture hill, Loren towed her all around the trails in our woods while she sang "Jingle Bells" at the top of her lungs.  Christmas with a two-point-five year old  is so awesome.  Eli only adds to the merriment by stealing my qiviut cowl and looking oh so cute and photogenic.

and just for fun...dug up these pictures of Sadie's first December. I am a lucky mama to have so many sweet memories with my little girl, and to be making new ones with this little man.

Wishing you all a beautiful holiday season.  Cherish this time with your loved ones--hold them close to you heart and say a prayer for all the grieving families in Connecticut- may they find some peace and comfort.

pause

Things are a little hectic around here lately, and that might just be the understatement of the year.  Packing with a toddler and a newborn...is...well...there are really no words.  Lets just say I am in mothering survival mode.  Sadie has been spending a lot of time watching Curious George on the iPhone and Eli has been spending a lot of time screaming and spitting up and needing to be held constantly.  I am scrambling to get anything done, and this whole week has felt like the proverbial one step forward, two steps back.  At 7 o'clock today I set Eli down in his chair, where he immediately commenced fussing and I sat down to have a moment's rest.  Sadie was intensely engaged in the umpteenth party dance of the day.  Suddenly the song changed to "Atlas Hands" by Benjamen Francis Leftwich and Sadie crawled up in my lap and put her arms around my neck and said, "mama snuggle Eli, mama oozed to snuggle Sadie" and I realized how long it has been since I just had a quiet moment with my little girl.  And even though there were a million things to do and a baby demanding to be held I just pushed pause to enjoy the sweetness of a two-year-old's unfaltering affection.  It was the kind of moment you just want to lock away in your heart because you know that in a blink of an eye your kids will be grown and your life will be calm and settled, but you will miss this moment of chaos and stress because all you will remember is that sweet face and "fruffy" head of curls, and sticky fingers that need washed and how much you love, love love this little person who is having to be so very grown up all of a sudden. That is the hardest thing about going from one to two. But when I see how adoringly Eli already smiles at his big sister, and how sweet and gentle she is when she helps me give him a bath and a baby "sassage" (massage) I know that soon enough all these kinks will smooth out and these two will be thick as thieves--and that they will teach one another so many important lessons of co-operation and compassion. Sometimes you just have have faith that the pieces will all fall together in their own time, and sometimes you just need to pause for a snuggle. 

After all, "gee--I wish I hadn't snuggled and loved up my babies every moment I possibly could" said no mother ever.